A personal tale of forgiveness

            I need to tell a story... and for those of you reading out there, its a long personal one... but the beauty is you can skip right to the end - or go read the humorous posts that pre-dated this entry.

The past few months my life has been turned upside down. Four months ago I was in one relationship, living with a close friend, and burning the candles at both ends working two jobs, all-the-while being overwhelmed with a chronic back pain issue.

 

Every morning I woke up sad, fatigued, and growing more and more depressed. Each day growing harder then the last - I felt like the insides of my body were churning like milk into butter. I was in this cycle - careening from this revolving door of self deprecating victim hood, to another general feeling of being isolated from the world. I would literally come home everyday thinking; if I died, it would be days before anyone would think to wonder why they hadn't heard from me. I hated who I was, to me; I was a loser with nothing to offer the world.

My relationship with my long-term partner had been one of growth for me. There was a time where I had loved that person very much. And despite the fact we fought hard; we really had some really good times. I was torn between the two different versions of us... the one that got along, laughed until we cried, and the other version that would do anything to upset the other. We were destructive. I take a lot of blame for the ending of the relationship. How can you love somebody fully if you do not love yourself at all? He couldn't be honest with me, because deep down, I was so internally unstable that the reassurance both partners need, couldn't come from me. This was my biggest fault. 

I was surrounding myself with people who were lost in their own emotions, and when I found out my partner had deceived me... I felt in the pits of my stomach true hurt for the first time. I had built this world around myself that had certain people in it - that deep down, didn't have my best interests at heart. Partly due to immaturity, but also due to my complete lack of self-esteem. I attracted the energy that I projected into the world. 

I found out he was unfaithful to me on a Sunday. For so long I had a feeling my gut he was keeping things from me. The intuitions in my soul lead me to lash out at him, sometimes for no reason, because I felt such contempt for him. The fact that, despite how hard I pushed to get inside his heart, he wouldn't let me in.  I only now realize that this was a desperate attempt on my behalf to force someone to provide me with the internal stability I lacked in myself. I felt this weight on me similar to one of guilt, as if, your hand was caught in the proverbial cookie jar.

We spent the morning walking through Chinatown in lovely downtown Vancouver. I lived near there - and the day was crisp, yet bright. The sounds of drums weaved through the streets as if mimicking an aroma through a bakery. We held hands, laughed; I hadn't seen him since he had been gone for two weeks on a business trip to Argentina. I won't lie, I was happy to see him. His normal guarded behavior mysteriously disappeared while he was in South America. He called me everyday, sweet nothings and "I-love-you's" were the resonating messages I had received while he was gone. Something normally not as intensely used in his repertoire of behaviors. But still, I loved the attention.

As we sat down to eat our brunch in False creek, the sun shone over Grouse Mountain, illuminating the city with color, and crispness. He insisted his enthusiasm to show me these pictures from his trip, well-over 200 there were. Pleasantly, I sat there holding his hand as I scrolled through the photographs, him over my shoulder pointing out the photos that he took of the horses, "just for me," because of he knew how much I loved them.

All of a sudden I came upon a video that started earthquake that would initiate the tidal wave of change that hit me at the beginning of this year. 

A women illuminated in a dark room, waist up, nude. This was not my body, this little video with a play button in the middle, was another woman, naked, intimately close on my boyfriends phone. 

Shock rippled through my body, as if frozen I asked him what I was looking at.

As I reacted he snatched the phone from my hands. His body, specifically his hands, was shaking so badly that I still vividly see it today, fumbling with his phone. Like an animal with adrenaline pumping through his veins, he couldn't even pack up his own food because his hands were shaking so terribly. I was begging him to hand me the phone, to let me see it the video so I would know the truth. I said to him, "If you value us at all, and don’t delete that video."

He deleted it. Right there in front of me. He deleted it. 

He deleted any semblance of truth or clarity that I could have had from that situation.  I will never know for certain who that woman was, why she was in a room that looked like a bedroom, and how did she get on the man I had been dating for two years' cell phone. 

He told me he didn't cheat on me, that it was a video of a stripper at a strip club. And he didn't want me to know he went because he thought it would hurt my feelings that he went to a strip club.

I will never know the truth about what happened with him and that woman. 

The fact of the matter is, after that point, I broke up with him, and admirably managed to hold my composure enough to not dump a drink on his head. I was shocked. I was hurt. And I was sad.

Since this day, the breakup has still stayed that, broken. I will never laugh with that man again, never hug him as he bids me goodbye. Since than he has come to me in sorrow, to apologize yet maintain his story of fidelity. He has come to me in acceptance, accepting that I could never trust him again, and that we were over.  And weirdly enough come to me in such malice and anger, that the person who I loved deep down for who I knew he was, seemed to disappear. Willing to accept the words of people with dysfunction in their lives in order to rid himself of the guilt of his actions.  It breaks my heart in a completely different way that out of what happened he had to believe that he was the victim, in order to free himself from the guilt of his actions. People are truly fascinating creatures when it comes to ridding themselves of guilt... or rather deferring it, rather then accepting the truth.

I have learned you cannot put a price on honesty. That the only way one can have a successful partnership is not only to be transparent with your feelings and emotions, whatever they may be, but also to accept that you yourself will make mistakes. And that out of every action against you, is buried an action to help you improve yourself, if you're willing to look at yourself in the mirror, call yourself on your bullshit, and move on.

To that person who I was with: I do not hate you. I forgive you for your dishonesty and misplaced anger. In many ways, I was dishonest with you by not voicing my concerns and fears to you, giving you a chance to trust me, as much as I wanted to trust you. I pray that one day you will see the truth of the situation, and forgive yourself. Because I have forgiven you. Every time I think of you, I send you light and happiness, and let it go. I hope one day you will find that type of forgiveness in me, for my failures.  

Since the end of that relationship... I have undergone severe change in my life; I have rid myself of a significant portion of my friendships that were not in my best interest. Moved from a home filled with tension, anxiety, and false friendship. I have undergone a third back surgery that has been far more painful of a recovery then I was anticipating. But every day I am feeling stronger, better, and happier with my body and my soul. I have made some big mistakes, taken huge risks, and found someone who at least up until this point, has forced down my walls of insecurity with love, tenderness, and patience. I can honestly say, or announce to the world, that I am in love – for the very first time. And he is wonderful, he is sweet, and let's be honest.... you should all be jealous ;-)

Out of this experience, I have learned that we all make mistakes, some large, some small. But it is how we rise up from those mistakes, and the actions we take to better ourselves and learn from them that speak to the content of our characters.

But do not fret my lovely's, just because I am in love doesn't mean I don't have a few more tails of awful dates that I will tell you all about...... just not tonight.

Until next time,           

Good Night World.

Emelia 

xoxox