What I have discovered through this experience (other than my fear of being a spinster may be a reality because I don't EVER intend to break up with someone again) is that the end of a relationship can bring out the best and the worst in a person.
Heartache is not funny, so I won't try and make this humorous... If it gets boring just picture everyone in their underwear.... that's what my mum taught me. Or you can keep glancing at this badass dog while you read this. That may help.
When does that point occur in a relationship, where one person gives up, and the other keeps trudging on? I have been in this place for the past few months where, to me, I knew (in my heart of hearts) it was over, yet to him, he thought we were finally getting somewhere. And that's why I feel guilty... I feel like I drew it out, I thought I could make myself feel something that just disappeared, and for too long I was scared to man up (or WOMAN up) and face the fear of breaking someone's heart... only to shatter it in the long run.
Breakups are never easy... regardless of if you are on the receiving or the breaking end. It’s never a position that provides you with that “comfortable” feeling. Whether you are heartbroken and healing... or trying to find the words to tell that person in your life that its time to move on, here are some things I have learned through this recent experience that can save you, and your former flame, any unnecessary heart ache.
1) Be honest.
Don’t wait until you have a fight about nothing and throw “we’re over” out there. It won’t stick, and they won’t believe you if you try to stick with it. It comes in the form of "they were angry and out of line... so they probably didn’t mean it." Come to them in a calm moment when they are not stressed or too busy to listen, and tell them how you feel.
2) Be direct.
Don’t come up with a laundry list of reasons about how you hate the way they text at dinner, or can’t stand their messy apartment. These aren’t deal breakers, these are not relevant. Stay true to your feelings; i.e. why you aren't happy anymore, why you want to move on, and how you feel like there is no avenue for reconciliation.
3) LISTEN.
Although you are done in this relationship, and you want out, it does not give you the god given right to ignore the emotions the other person is going through: hear what they have to say, and do the best you can to make amends for the fact you weren’t the perfect partner either.
4) Don’t flatter.
No one wants to hear from the person dumping them that they’re going to find someone great one day. Underneath the rejection they are going to be feeling anger.... and they will come to that conclusion eventually themselves. It just makes you sound inauthentic.
5) You’re not going to be friends, so don’t offer.
Now there are exceptions for every rule here, but I feel pretty passionate about this one. When you're breaking up with someone you need space, at least for a few months (I prefer years) before you can come back to a platonic based friendship. You need to respect that that person (who may or may not want the breakup) needs to heal and move on. And seeing you every week for lunch, may just be too much like a relationship without the benefits of getting laid. So air on the side of caution... and leave them alone.
6) Close the door.
This one is one I have the hardest time with... because like you, I am human as well. If you don't want to be with that person anymore, don't leave hope of a chance that they may be able to come back into your life. Because if they aren't agreeable in the breakup process they may take this as a "win me back" situation. And if you're not into that... just don't do it . It just creates a revolving door relationship that isn't pleasurable for anybody. So if it's over, its over. Say you're sorry for hurting them (even if your not) and send them light and love and move on.
and lastly,
7) Rebounds.... are never what you think they are.
Take some time off dating and courting: if you move on right away you're not doing anybody any favors. You're not learning anything from the time you spent with that person, and are most certainly not showing them any respect what-so-ever. If you're hurt, or they are, the last thing you want to do is see your ex out and playing tonsil hockey with that tramp at the bar. Take the downtime to reassess your life. Trust me... rebounding only makes you a jerk... and no one likes jerks.
To the person that is no longer in my world... Thank you for coming into my life, teaching me new things about myself, for the laughter and good times, and most of all, thank you for loving me...
Life is too short, and too precious to be insensitive and inconsiderate to your fellow humans.
At some point of your life, you will become aware that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.
Until next time....
Newly single and on the mend...
Emelia xx
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