It's ironic that I am writing this article. I grew up in a “separated”
family: my parents haven’t been together since the birth of my younger sister. When I was a kid, I spent the school days with our father and on the weekends and Wednesdays I would be at mom’s house. Although a lot of
stress comes with living in two separate households with completely different
rule sets, I found that growing up in such a dynamic environment was actually
beneficial – it taught me never to take love for granted. Because there was so
much animosity between my parents while I was young (they seem to have
forgotten their hatred for each other now that my siblings and I have left the
nests), I always wanted the opposite: I wanted a continual state of loving and
being loved.
I think this is exactly why I am the way I am now; a relationship person. What I mean by this is not that I loathe being single and alone (I actually encourage this when you are in your late teens and early twenties as it helps you to determine not only who you want to be, but it also shows you the type of person you don’t want to be or have in your life) but that I prefer to have someone in my life who can be my best friend and companion in any venture.
I think this is exactly why I am the way I am now; a relationship person. What I mean by this is not that I loathe being single and alone (I actually encourage this when you are in your late teens and early twenties as it helps you to determine not only who you want to be, but it also shows you the type of person you don’t want to be or have in your life) but that I prefer to have someone in my life who can be my best friend and companion in any venture.
I always get asked how my relationships last so long; my
first serious relationship lasted over five years and my current relationship
has been going strong for nearly two and a half – keep in mind I just turned
23. So, I figure that, instead of replying to each individual with my advice, a
blog post would be an excellent source for those seeking some relationship
wisdom. Keep in mind that not every relationship is the same, I am not a
marriage counselor, nor do I have a degree in any sort of relationship
therapy, but I do have life experience and that
is what I am going to share with you today!
I have found that, like a new language, a
developing relationship begins with studying - studying the person who you want to have a relationship with. Obviously, the first thing you
do when you've started dating someone is explore them: find out their history,
their passions, and their goals. This is how you determine whether or not you
will “click”. We do the same thing when deciding if a new language is useful to
us, whether that language is computer coding or Spanish. We ask ourselves: is this language practical? am I interested in it for superficial reasons or is it actually going to be a beneficial aspect of my life? (if you have ever taken a language learning class, chances are you have asked yourself - when am I ever going to actually use this - future blog post). Regardless of the determined "usefulness" of said language, we still participate in the course and receive credit for the experience: just like previous relationships (ones that do not get passed this "study" phase) help us learn more about what we want from our future relationships. Think of this studying phase as a way of determining if this individual would mesh well with your future plans and family, and if they will satisfy your needs as a partner.
The next step in learning a new language is practicing it! With language learning, this usually involves reading, writing, and speaking it as often as possible. Practicing is your opportunity to merge the language into your life. In relationships, this is the phase where we adjust our behaviors and communications to coordinate with one another. This is usually after the "honeymoon" period and you and your partner have come to realize that sometimes a relationship does require a bit of effort. But, this doesn't have to be a bad thing! After we have "studied" our significant other, we are bound to discover not only our similarities, but also our differences. Our similarities are what bond us to each other, and our differences... are, well, what keep us from killing ourselves of boredom or monotony. Our differences often appear as challenges and, despite the negative connotations of the word, challenges provide us with new stimulation. Like I said before, differences (or challenges) do not have to be "bad" things. For example, my partner is constantly out of town for work. This is an issue where we have a difference of opinion: he travels as it allows him to keep doing a job that he loves and I, on the other hand, do not love this as he can sometimes be gone for over a week at a time. But, this is his job and it makes him happy and provides him with financial stability - who am I to limit him when I am also supposed to be his support system? This particular "challenge" also allows for us to have time apart (which every couple needs) and provides us with that fantastic "I can't wait to come home/have you come home!" conversation and feeling. Differences are actually essential in successful relationships.
Another key aspect of this phase is practicing communication. This is usually where a lot of couples get stumped - they forget how to / do not know how to communicate with one another. In the studying phase, you were probably asking your significant other tons of questions and vice versa. In the practicing / post-honeymoon phase, we kind of feel like we don't need to do this anymore. But, that is not the case. It is so important to continue this learning. This means that we need to incorporate the first phase into the second phase because there will always be new things/aspects of life that we need to communicate about.
As we grow older, we change. We change because over time we experience more, and those experiences change us. So, as cliché as it is, communication really is key. And start it immediately! This doesn't mean redundant questions like: how was your day honey? and, when are you getting home from work? I am talking about deep communication, whether physical or oral. Go play paintball with him, see an art show, play a game of truth or dare. The more monotonous you keep your communication and interactions, the more monotonous your relationship will become. Be open to new things, but obviously set your boundaries if there are certain things you are against. I am sure that, with the millions of activities on Pinterest these days, you can find tons of activities you can do alone with each other, or in a group, that will help create a stronger bond between the two of you. We just always have to keep in mind that, like a language, we need to keep our relationship ideals in our lives on a regular basis.
Have you ever learned some textbook material only to forget it two months after your class was completed? Most people who take language classes often find that they forget their learned skills when they stop including them in a regular routine. This will happen in relationships as well. The less you do together, the less communication and practice you have, the more you will forget about why you wanted this relationship and what made it so special in the first place.
Sometimes, however, relationships just aren't meant to be, no matter how hard you want it or work to keep it going. As people grow individually, sometimes they grow apart. This, my friends, is when you pick a new language and get studying!
The next step in learning a new language is practicing it! With language learning, this usually involves reading, writing, and speaking it as often as possible. Practicing is your opportunity to merge the language into your life. In relationships, this is the phase where we adjust our behaviors and communications to coordinate with one another. This is usually after the "honeymoon" period and you and your partner have come to realize that sometimes a relationship does require a bit of effort. But, this doesn't have to be a bad thing! After we have "studied" our significant other, we are bound to discover not only our similarities, but also our differences. Our similarities are what bond us to each other, and our differences... are, well, what keep us from killing ourselves of boredom or monotony. Our differences often appear as challenges and, despite the negative connotations of the word, challenges provide us with new stimulation. Like I said before, differences (or challenges) do not have to be "bad" things. For example, my partner is constantly out of town for work. This is an issue where we have a difference of opinion: he travels as it allows him to keep doing a job that he loves and I, on the other hand, do not love this as he can sometimes be gone for over a week at a time. But, this is his job and it makes him happy and provides him with financial stability - who am I to limit him when I am also supposed to be his support system? This particular "challenge" also allows for us to have time apart (which every couple needs) and provides us with that fantastic "I can't wait to come home/have you come home!" conversation and feeling. Differences are actually essential in successful relationships.
Another key aspect of this phase is practicing communication. This is usually where a lot of couples get stumped - they forget how to / do not know how to communicate with one another. In the studying phase, you were probably asking your significant other tons of questions and vice versa. In the practicing / post-honeymoon phase, we kind of feel like we don't need to do this anymore. But, that is not the case. It is so important to continue this learning. This means that we need to incorporate the first phase into the second phase because there will always be new things/aspects of life that we need to communicate about.
As we grow older, we change. We change because over time we experience more, and those experiences change us. So, as cliché as it is, communication really is key. And start it immediately! This doesn't mean redundant questions like: how was your day honey? and, when are you getting home from work? I am talking about deep communication, whether physical or oral. Go play paintball with him, see an art show, play a game of truth or dare. The more monotonous you keep your communication and interactions, the more monotonous your relationship will become. Be open to new things, but obviously set your boundaries if there are certain things you are against. I am sure that, with the millions of activities on Pinterest these days, you can find tons of activities you can do alone with each other, or in a group, that will help create a stronger bond between the two of you. We just always have to keep in mind that, like a language, we need to keep our relationship ideals in our lives on a regular basis.
Have you ever learned some textbook material only to forget it two months after your class was completed? Most people who take language classes often find that they forget their learned skills when they stop including them in a regular routine. This will happen in relationships as well. The less you do together, the less communication and practice you have, the more you will forget about why you wanted this relationship and what made it so special in the first place.
Sometimes, however, relationships just aren't meant to be, no matter how hard you want it or work to keep it going. As people grow individually, sometimes they grow apart. This, my friends, is when you pick a new language and get studying!
Best wishes,
Ashley
Ashley
Amazing article, Ashley! I couldn't agree more with you :) love, in the language sense, is like english, with many rules but many exceptions in which each individual is able to provide for themselves. Like life, we get to make the rules, and isn't it a beautiful surprise to find someone we're willing to compromise with because they ultimately put us in the happiest state of mind :) xx Annie
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